Saturday, November 19, 2011

All I wanted was some Guacamole.

Once upon a time.
I had a sudden and urgent need for chips and guacamole.
So like any other normal person with guacamole needs, I got myself some chips and guacamole. 
I was excited about chips and guacamole. Like. REALLY excited about chips and guacamole. Unnaturally excited....
As a result of said excitedness, I wanted to get to my destination pronto and eat my delicious treat.
And then I got to the stairs. Did this slow me down? No. No no. There was no way I would let a set of stairs get in the way of my guacamole. So I proceeded down the stairs with continued, maybe even increased speed.

I'm not exactly what most would call "careful" when going down the stairs as it is, but now that I was beyond excited and moving at very high speeds, the danger factor went up significantly. And I got owned by and inanimate object. 
And then...somehow my foot slipped on one of the steps...

But hey. I stuck the landing.
Kind of.

The fam was clearly concerned at this point.
Really? Did I look okay?

Yeah I mean I think I just broke my back and I can't breathe but yeah. I'm just peachy.
And then. All sympathy was gone.

For the rest of the day there was constant mimicking and laughing at my expence.
Good thing the only thing I hurt was my pride right? WRONG. Even after we found out I cracked one and threw out three of my ribs the mocking continued. 
The Klutzy adventures of Whitney continue.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Chest Hair

There are so many things wrong with chest hair on guys.  My brother says its "sexy/manly." My mother says it's "coming back in style."  I say no.  Only Chewbacca can get away with it.

But seriously.  Chest hair is so gross.  But boys seem to think it's the gateway into manhood. My dad always told my brothers to eat their greenbeans because it will put hair on their chest. Maybe greenbeans should use this for advertising. 

Just imagine this little jingle causing men to run out and stalk up on greenbeans, and women burning all the greenbeans in their food storage.

But seriously. Wants to see a guy's nasty chest hair floating around in the pool?

Or who likes it when this nasty squirrel tail is poking out of the top of a guy's shirt? It's like it will attack you if you come near it...

I know most guys feel like this...
But they should feel like this...

I even put up a survey on facebook and the overwhelming majority of women find chest hair NOT hot.

Oh I am aware that it is inevitable and whatever man I end up with will have the despicable stuff. But it doesn't mean I have to like it.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011


One day I went to donate my blood.  My blood is pretty rare so it was just a little "you're welcome" to society.  I went with Mother and I was pretty confident seeing as I have done this before, it was a flying colors success, and there was clearly nothing to worry about. Oh how I was wrong.

I entered the room on my high horse of confidence.
And after reading the HIGHLY disturbing Pamphlet on the qualifications to get your blood drawn.
I was off to save lives.  It started innocent.  A prick of the finger.  Me delighting the blood sucker man with my charm and wit.
We then went over to the actual chair where the real action took place. I got hooked up and waited, thrilled with my decision to save the lives of ,otherwise hopeless, individuals.

I was on a high.  I was a champion.  A life savor.  I then went to visit Mother and spread my victory around.

Things were fine and dandy and then it hit. 

I knew I was going to pass out right there in the middle of the stake center.  I made a swift departure from Mother and went as fast as I possibly could (and say upright) and sat down on the chairs by the delicious snacks and juices.  While sitting on the chairs I knew that they would not suffice and I would soon be on the floor in a state of unconsciousness. 

I made a fast decision and sat on the floor focusing every ounce of my energy on staying conscious.
Much to my embarrassment, a member of my ward and neighborhood thought it would be a great idea to say Hi to me in my very fragile state of mind.  It was highly embarrassing and I can honestly say I do not remember the majority of the conversation.

Clearly I was not okay.
Things unfortunately only went from bad to worse.  I could no longer stay upright even on the floor. So I laid down. On the floor.
One of the kind helpers decided to take pity on me, seeing my current state was distress, and gave me a pillow, propped my feet up on the chair, and gave me a bottle of water.

I blindly did what he said, praying that I would stay awake.  It may seem innocent, but in my dizzy eyes, it went something like this...

Yeah. Traumatic.